Lots going on this week.
On the Job Front
I just got word that the Division Director is stepping down. This is the same Division Director that told me my contract was extended until August and was going to offer me a full-time position this summer. I'm nervous again...
On the Dating Front
Slow...very slow. I took Chris to the hash prom on Saturday. I don't think he cared for it or my friends. That's okay, I don't really think there is anything between us, I'm just too scared to walk away myself and I just keep hoping he does.
Otherwise, pretty much a waste land. On top of that I've been slowly losing my mind concerning D and our 'relationship'. I've just become obsessive the last few days, I want to know why did did all the things he did to me. I want to know to know WHY. It isn't healthy, I see that but I just can't seem to stop.
On the Fitness/Lifestyle Front
I was sloppy with my diet in May. There were too many cook-outs and drinks with the girls. I kept running. I logged over a 100 miles for the month. So I could be in worse shape but now it is time to get back to eating right. So this weekend I will be heading to the store and stocking up on all sorts of 'good for me' yummies.
Tennis has started up again and I played my first match in 6 months on Tuesday. I say played but I'm not really sure what I was doing out there. I lost 2-6, 2-6. I'm pretty sore 1) my right arm from swinging the racket 2) the rest of my body from tripping over my own feet and running into the fence. I got up giggling much to the surprise of my opponent. I never claimed to be graceful.
I'm also going to give rock wall climbing a try. More about this decision later in the blog.
On the Mental Health Front
As I said earlier I'm having some issues dealing with a compulsion to know why. Well I have somewhat of an idea...I have abandonment issues and a paralyzing fear of being alone. Not alone as in siting around the house watching TV alone...the dying alone and the dogs eating my corpse.
Anyway, I'm going to try to do something alone...I'm starting to hyperventilate just typing the words. I'm not sure what that will be yet (maybe the rock climbing). I don't even know where to start but I need to make a change.
I'm going to try to RELAX on Sunday. Currently I have nothing to do and I'm fighting the urge to make plans with anyone. My plan is to stay at home, work in the garden/yard, getting it ready for next week and clean the house. K gave me a ton of terra cotta pots so I might try to be creative.
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1 comment:
Honey, I completely hear you on the "Why?" questioning. To this day, I have those same feelings about an ex myself...it's horrible, isn't it? It's especially horrible when it seems they're completely fine and not struggling with it.
At some point, we just have to say: I guess I'll never know... But it just seems so entirely unfair it has to be that way, especially in cases where you've been together months and months and even years.
*sigh*...
I truly like to think that most of the time THEY don't even know why, so there's no way it could ever be explained to us. It still sucks though!
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